Saturday, June 25, 2011

Cowboy Rules

I got this email from my father-in-law. I think it makes me laugh more, because I've been learning all of these "rules" the past year.  And because the one about salt, pepper, and ketchup totally applies to him.  (My commentary in blue italics).

Cowboy rules for:

Arizona, TexasOklahomaColoradoNew MexicoWyomingMontanaUtahNebraskaIdaho, and the rest of the Wild West are as follows:

1. Pull your pants up. You look like an idiot. It's about Wranglers around here, folks. I haven't seen gansta pants for a long while now...

2. Turn your cap right, your head ain't crooked. Haven't seen this lately either. You wear a dirty ball cap or a cowboy hat...everywhere you go, except church.

3. Let's get this straight: it's called a 'gravel road.' I drive a pickup truck because I want to. No matter how slow you drive, you're gonna get dust on your Lexus. Drive it or get out of the way. They are not dirt roads. They are gravel roads. And everyone here has a pickup (not a truck, because a truck is another name for a semi. If you don't have a pickup, you're not a true cowboy.)

4. They are cattle. That's why they smell like cattle. They smell like money to us. Get over it. Don't like it? I-10 & I-40 go east and west, I-17 & I-15 goes north and south. Pick one and go.  Yes, they stink, but thankfully, there is more fresh air in the country, than stinky air. You only get that wiff when you're at a feed lot or something.

5. So you have a $60,000 car. We're impressed. We have $250,000 Combines that are driven only 3 weeks a year. hahaha.. So true. And it probably cost more than your house too! 

6. Every person in the Wild West waves. It's called being friendly. Try to understand the concept.  This one threw me off. Everyone waves. I had to get used to it. Even still, I sometimes forget. I also find myself amused and asking my husband, "Who was that? Did you know 'em?"

7. If that cell phone rings while a bunch of geese/pheasants/ducks/doves are comin' in during a hunt, we WILL shoot it outta your hand. You better hope you don't have it up to your ear at the time. I guess I will not go hunting with the guys.

8. Yeah. We eat trout, salmon, deer and elk. You really want sushi and caviar? It's available at the corner bait shop. Can we add pheasant and Rocky Mountain Oysters to this list?

9. The 'Opener' refers to the first day of deer season. It's a religious holiday held the closest Saturday to the first of November.

10. We open doors for women. That's applied to all women, regardless of age. Love this one.

11. No, there's no 'vegetarian special' on the menu. Order steak, or you can order the Chef's Salad and pick off the 2 pounds of ham and turkey. So true. And you will get weird looks even if you order chicken. 

12. When we fill out a table, there are three main dishes: meats, vegetables, and breads. We use three spices: salt, pepper, and ketchup! Oh, yeah ... We don't care what you folks in   Cincinnati  call that stuff you eat... IT AIN'T REAL CHILI!!

13. You bring 'Coke' into my house, it better be brown, wet and served over ice. You bring 'Mary Jane' into my house, she better be cute, know how to shoot, drive a truck, and have long hair.

14. College and High School Football is as important here as the Giants, the Yankees, the Mets, the Lakers and the Knicks, and a dang site more fun to watch. Oh, it's true. The whole town comes out for the high school football games. They are big events. Everyone revolves around the sports programs!

15. Yeah, we have golf courses. But don't hit the water hazards - it spooks the fish.

16. Turn down that blasted car stereo! That thumpity-thump ain't music, anyway. We don't want to hear it anymore than we want to see your boxers! Refer back to #1!